runr2940: My name's Nick.
All: "Hi, Nick!"
runr2940: I used to run distance in college (hence the handle - 10K time).
All: "That's cool. Why are you here today Nick?"
runr2940: Well, I have this obsession with motorcycles and guns...
All: "That's no good, Nick. This is modern/culturally-sensitive/nonviolence-striving/noncompetitive Socialist States of America. We must cure you of your illness."
runr2940: I'm not ill, I feel quite healthy.
All: "No! Mental illness IS a real illness and quite traumatic. People die from it. The DSM-IV says so. It’s like the minority Christian Bible but more real.
runr2940: I thought guns and bikes were good. The Air Force tells me so.
All: “No! We must tax them out of commission! Look at Big Tobacco, we will do the same with guns and motorcycles. Everyone knows people don’t kill people…only guns and rogue ninja crotch rockets kill people. And Caucasian European-descended gainfully-employed male citizens who vote with families over the age of 30 are the most dangerous! We must tax them more to pay for our crusade and keep the bad bad guns and bad bad sportbikes out of their hands.”
runr2940: But I ride a sport touring bike, and more people die on Harleys. And not everything’s a Ninja.
All: “Hush now, and let the nanny state decide on what’s right for you. And you. And you. And you. And you. Capitalism is BAD! Owning a business makes you an exploiter of less-fortunate, less-inclined-to-work-but-still-valuable-humans homeless individuals and parasit…er…government dependent almost-hard-working people.”
runr2940: I work hard, too. I’ve completed graduate studies in engineering and am serving my country. I own houses and have worked hard renovating them with my own money. I pay taxes. Why am I so evil?
All: “You aren’t evil. You just aren’t as valuable as rich-people-who-voted-for-our-president-who-now-can-kickback-millions-to-his-campaign-as-America-crosses-the-rubicon-into-socialism. Don’t worry, you’ll never be as valuable as them. We created the IRS to ensure that you stay right where you are.”
runr2940: Oh, that blows!
All: “That is so very intolerant of you! Gays and Lesbians around the world might take offense to that insensitive comment! You need sensitivity training right this instant! No more bad influence Chick-fil-a for you!”
runr2940: Jesus Christ, are you serious?
All: “That’s fine to take that false god’s name in vain, just don’t ever ever ever ever even refer to the one true God Allah’s prophet’s name or likeness! And don’t even think about taxing Latino undocumented immigrants or calling them illegal. Being a responsible citizen and voting your morals is illegal, not breaking and entering into another country and shipping their wealth back to your native land! And everyone knows marriage is between a Man and A Man, or Woman and a Woman, or Man-who-used-to-be-Woman and Man. Or Woman-who-used-to-be-Man and Woman. Or Klingon and Romulan.”

This Presentation brought to you by the warped and twisted mind of public enemy Numero Uno, Lady Gaga’s Alejandro the Zeta. Thank you for tuning into this broadcast, and you can catch more on the history channel next week. Adios, amigos!

* Last updated by: runr2940 on 9/20/2012 @ 3:11 PM *