http://m.collegehumor.com/#/video/6648229/siri-argument

Tattoo Artist Facing Civil Lawsuit

Two trailer park residents in Dayton, Ohio are going to be battling this out in court over the next few months.

Tattoo artist, Ryan L. Fitzjerald was hit with a $100,000 lawsuit last week by his ex-girlfriend Rossie Brovent. She claims that her boyfriend was supposed to tattoo a scene from Narnia on her back but instead tattooed an image of a pile of excrement with flies buzzing around it.

Apparently Ryan found out that she had cheated with a long-time friend of his and this was his way of getting even. Originally Rossie tried to have Ryan charged with assault but it turns out this crafty tattoo artist got her to sign a consent form prior to the tattoo and it said that the design was ‘at the artists discretion’, she claims; “he tricked her by drinking a bottle of cheap wine with me and doing tequila shots before I signed it and got the tattoo”. “Actually I was passed out for most of the time, and woke up to this horrible image on my back.”

That is awesome! KARMA

What happens when you ask for help
with an erection lasting more than 4 hours?


I walked into a drug store and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.
The lady I was talking to said that she
was the only pharmacist and as she and her sister owned the store, there
were no male employees. She then asked if she could help me. I said that it
was something that I would be much more comfortable discussing with a male
pharmacist. The lady pharmacist assured me that she was completely professional
and whatever it was that I needed to discuss, I could be confident that she
would treat me with a high level
of professionalism.

I then agreed and began by saying, 'This is tough for me to discuss, but I get erections every day
that last more than four hours. It causes me a lot of problems and severe
embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it.'
The pharmacist said, 'Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister.'



When she returned, she said, "We discussed
it at length and this is the absolute best we can do.
1/3 ownership in the store, a company pickup truck, a
king size bed and $3,000 a month in living expenses

Story from a Kansas State
Highway Patrol officer :

I made a traffic stop on an elderly lady the other day for speeding
on U.S. 166 Eastbound at Mile Marker 73 just East of Sedan, KS.
I asked for her driver's license, registration, and proof of insurance.
The lady took out the required information and handed it to me.
In with the cards I was somewhat surprised (due to her advanced age)
to see she had a conceal carry permit. I looked at her and ask if
she had a weapon in her possession at this time.

She responded that she indeed had a .45 automatic in her glove box.
Something---body language, or the way she said it---made me want
to ask if she had any other firearms. She did admit to also having
a 9mm Glock in her center console. Now I had to ask one more
time if that was all. She responded once again that she did have
just one more, a .38 special in her purse. I then asked her what
was she so afraid of.

She looked me right in the eye and said, "Not a fucking thing!"

She looked me right in the eye and said, "Not a fucking thing!"

did you hear about the guy who became addicted to drinking brake fluid?

He thought he would always be able to stop.

Two Texas were out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions. One said, I enjoy the rodeo position best.”
Second cowboy says “I haven’t heard of that one, what is it?”
“Well, get her down on all fours, mount her from behind. Then reach around and cup one of her breasts in each hand and whisper in her ear, “Boy, these feel just like your sister’s.’ Then you try to stay on for eight seconds!”

Woooooo Risky lol

ACTUAL PASSPORT LETTER-----HILARIOUS!
Jan Weston
4 Corinthian Close
Hatch Warren
Basingstoke
RG22 4TN
01256 358932
07722 840681

This, apparently is an actual letter received by the UK Passport
Office.

Dear Sirs,

I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe
this. How is it that Sky Television has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a bleeding satellite dish from them back in 1977, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was bloody born and on what date.

For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand? My birth date you have
on my pension book, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed
for the past 30 years. It is on my National Health card, my driving
license, my car insurance, on the last eight damn passports I've had,
on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out
before being allowed off the plane over the last 30 years, and all
those insufferable census forms.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's
name is Mary Anne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be abso-fucking-lutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die!!!!!!

I apologise, I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you an' me,
I've had enough of this bullshit! You send the application to my house,
then you ask me for my fucking address!!!!

What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthal arseholes workin' there? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for shit sakes. I just want to go and park my arse on some sandy beach somewhere. And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, you'd be the last fucking people I'd want to tell!

Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the
poxy city to get another fucking copy of my birth certificate, to the
tune of £30. Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the
same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day??
Nooooooooooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the fuckin' place like chickens with our heads cut off, then have to find some arsehole to confirm that it's really me on the damn picture - you know, the one where we're not
allowed to smile?! (bureaucratic fuckin' morons) Hey, do you know why
we couldn't smile if we wanted to? Because we're totally pissed off!

Signed

An Irate Citizen.

P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since 1776 .......... I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had full security clearances over 25 of those years enabling me to undertake highly secretive missions all over the world.
......... However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am
- you know, someone like my doctor - WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN SOME FUCKING OTHER COUNTRY!

Sincerely,

@ 2:55... I hope not a forum member.

http://www.theinspiration.com/2011/09/carlsberg-stunt-in-cinema/

5,000 men surveyed were asked:

Why they like blowjobs?

1 % liked the warmth
2 % liked the sensation.
3 % liked the eroticism.
94 % just liked the peace and quiet

----- > .Subject: The Miracle of Toilet Paper

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my
husband that my breasts are too small.
Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he
uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
'If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet
paper and rub it between them for a few seconds' he says.
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front
of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.
How long will this take?' I ask.
'They will grow larger over a period of years' my husband replies..
I stop. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my
breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?' I say.
Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your Ass, didn't it?"

He's still alive and with a great deal of therapy he may even walk again -
although he will probably continue to take his meals through
a straw.

Stupid, stupid man.

This isn't so much funny as it is funny.
Boobs

* Last updated by: Edgecrusher on 1/18/2012 @ 5:39 AM *

What did the drag racing pirate say when he lost the race?........................ arrg I would have won if I didn’t have all this booty!!

--- -
Little Johnny .... !

(Bless the little tyrant)

"Class, today's assignment is to spell and use the word 'DOUGH' in a sentence."

Teacher says, "Jane, you go first."

"Dough, D O U G H ...."
"Italians make pizza with dough.."

Very good, Jane ... Now let's hear from Mary.

"Dough, D O U G H ...."
"My brother makes things with play dough."

Very good, Mary...
Johnny then raises his hand.

Teacher says, "Yes, Johnny .... , do you have something constructive to add ..... ?"

"My mom says my dad doesn't make enough dough, and he's bloody hopeless in bed, so she uses a dill dough!"

The Teacher faints...

Ha He

* Last updated by: bean07 on 2/8/2012 @ 10:39 PM *

A Yooper Loan

A Yooper walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Detroit on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Yooper handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank.

The Yooper produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.

Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the "dumb" Yooper for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. Then the employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the Yooper returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07.

The loan officer said, 'Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?'

The Yooper replied: Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?'

Ah, Da Yoopers . . . Smart cookies eh...

There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband...

A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.
From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. A man and a woman. She reaches for a
baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done,
she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
"Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay
in our bedroom. Did you say ‘hello’?”

http://youtu.be/4moacPKrxWU