Now THIS is a good friend.

A man brings his best buddy back home for dinner.
His wife screams at him, "My hair & makeup are not done,
the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in
my pajamas & I can't be bothered with cooking tonight!!!
What the f*ck did you bring him around for?"
"Cause he's thinking of getting married."

that'll fix him

Romans,
BAHAHAHBAAAA!
Funny because it is true...
Wman

Lol, sorry I had to,,, to funny.

Newfie Drunk

Sent from Windows Mailmany of our Officers would find the humour in this e-mail! After all, I am sure he was sitting there laughing at this guy the entire time.

Recently, during a routine patrol, an RCMP patrolman parked down the street outside a Legion Hall just off the TCH in Gander NF.

After last call, the officer observed a man leaving the Legion Hall. The gentleman was so intoxicated that he could barely walk. He then stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car, which he fell into.

He sat there for a few minutes and then threw a hook and line out the window and seemed to be trying to catch a fish.. A number of other patrons paid no attention to this crazy drunk as they left the bar and drove off.

Finally the drunk started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine, dry summer night) flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn, and switched on the headlights.

He then pulled in the hook and line and moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patron vehicles left. At last, the parking lot was empty; he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road.

The officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over. He performed a breathalyzer test on the gentleman who cooperated fully, and to his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said, 'I'll have to ask you to accompany me to Headquarters.
This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the truly proud Newfie,
"Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

http://snltranscripts.jt.org/93/93nmono.phtml

Something those of us in the midwest can relate to today:

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony.

On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'

The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?'

She says, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.'

Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts.

Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him, 'Did you call for me?' says the hairy man.

'No, what do you mean?' says the newcomer.

'You must be new,' says the hairy man, 'it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.' The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she says.

The man yells, 'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee.'

'But, Sir,' she replies, 'you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities.'

The man replies, 'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 15 times a day.'

I was banging this nice lady on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, “It’s my husband! Quick, try the back door!” Thinking back, I really should have ran – but you don’t get offers like that every day.

Love this stuff boys, keep em coming lol.

* Last updated by: Hub on 2/8/2014 @ 8:16 AM *

The awesome power of a wife's love
> >
> > A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he
> > suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting
> up
> > the stairs.
>
> > He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the
> > bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom,
> > and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the
> > railing with both hands.
>
>
> > With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing
> > into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought
> > himself already in heaven.
>
> > There, spread out on newspapers on the kitchen table were
> > literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.
>
> > Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his
> > devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
> >
> > Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the
> > table. The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at
> the
> > edge of the table, when he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his
> wife.
>
> > "Stay out of those," she said. "They're for the funeral.

Just WOW!!

Hahahahahaha so true!

THE HORTH WHITHPERER

A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.
His buddy asks, "How will I recognize him?"
"That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment."
So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.
"A female horth."
So he shows him a prized filly.
"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?
So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.
"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"?
So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.
"Nith earzth, can I see her mouf"?
The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.
"Nice mouf, can I see her twat"?
Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's twat, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.

"Perhapth I should rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit"?

lol Good one. i was mighty shocked when my grandmother told me that one. She must have been about 85 years old at the time.

Haha Rook, Grandmothers rule for sure.

LMAO @ "road is completely fucked".

Scooters pilots in Pittsburgh will be flashing that sign until late August.

I've used that one before, lol!! These are freaking good

I've used that one before, lol!! These are freaking good

Old man walks into a brothel. Says to Madam, "I want a woman."

Madam looks shocked: "Mister, how old are you?"

"One hundred and two."

"I think you've had it."

"Really? Well, who do I pay?"