An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said,
'I'm here to feed the alligator...'

Some old men can still think fast.

HeHE

Two guys sitting at the pub

First guy: Can I buy you a drink, you look miserable?

Second guy: I got fired on my first day as male masseuse today.

First guy: Why , what happened?

Second guy: Apparently the instruction "finish of on her face" didn't mean what I thought it did

Guy consulting with his doctor

Guy: Doctor, I think my wife has "Hoovers" disease

Doctor: I wish patients will stop self-diagnosing! What on earth is "Hoovers" disease?

Guy: When she continues to make whining noises and doesn't suck anymore

> An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a
> stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor
> had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
>
> As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him
> about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you
> been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and
> on........
>
> Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured
> himself a shot of whiskey and
>
> headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the
> predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs..
>
> While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told
> that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of
> execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight .
>
> Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to
> go up stairs and give him the good news.
>
> As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her
> husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet. They're not hanging
> Wright tonight,' she said.
>
> He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU
> EVER STOP?!

LMAO hehehehehehhahah

Subject: You and Me in 20 years

"Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on,
I couldn't bend it with both hands.
By the time I was 50, I could bend it
About 10 degrees if I tried really hard.
By the time I was 60, I could bend it
About 20 degrees, no problem.
I'm gonna be 80 next week, and now I can
Almost bend it in half with just one hand."

"So, what's your point?"

"Well, I'm just wondering
How much stronger I'm gonna get!"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cds7lSHawAw&feature=player_embedded

Waitill morning.

Good one ROFL

A man is stopped by the police around 1 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, “I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body”.

The officer then asks, “Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?”

The man replies, “My wife.”

* Last updated by: Brenny on 4/29/2011 @ 5:20 AM *

The Devoted Husband.................

* Last updated by: Brenny on 4/29/2011 @ 5:24 AM *

Ha!

OOORR brenny ya shouldn't of told em about my PM LOL

Did you here about the little boy that was born with five penis'?

--his pants fit like a glove.

Rooookk,Boooooooooooooooooooooooooo. Lol

Yesterday I gave one of my patients a Viagara but he didn't have a big enough glass of water to wash it down.

He woke up a few hours later with a stiff neck.

* Last updated by: Rook on 5/4/2011 @ 4:55 PM *

Mrs Brown cracks me up ROFL

A male patient is lying in bed
in the hospital,
wearing an oxygen mask over his
mouth and nose,
still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure .
A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
Nurse,' he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?'
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies
'I don't know, Sir.
I'm only here to wash your upper body.'
He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she
overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other,
lifting and moving them around and around gently..
Then, she takes a close look and says, 'No sir, they aren't and I assure
you, there's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely.....
A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s -back?

^^^

If Russia attacked Turkey from behind, do you think Greece would help?

What did the maxi pad say to the fart?

---------
"You are the wind beneath my wings."

bad jokes on the house.

WISDOM-PHILOSOPHY FOR TODAY....

An old man, a boy & a donkey were going to town.

The boy rode on the donkey & the old man walked.

As they went along they passed some people who remarked

"What a shame the old man is walking and the boy is riding."

The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.

Later they passed some people who remarked

"What a shame.... he makes that little boy walk."

So they then decided they'd both walk!

Soon they passed some more people who remarked

"They're really stupid to walk when they have a decent donkey to ride."

So, they both rode the donkey.

Now they passed some people who shamed them by saying

"How awful to put such a load on a poor donkey."

The boy and man figured they were probably right,

so they decide to carry the donkey.

As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal

and he fell into the river and drowned.

The moral of the story?

If you try to please everyone, you might as well...

Kiss your ass goodbye!

~ Have A Nice Day ~

Some one liners:

Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite? All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary!

What's the difference between Iron Man and iron woman? One's a Superhero and the other is an instruction!

Man calls 911 and says, "I think my wife is dead,” The operator says, how do you know? He says, "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest p*nis she had ever laid her hands on. I said, "You're pulling my leg!"

I've just had a letter back from Screwfix. They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.

A man walks into a welsh pub and orders a white wine spritzer. The bar goes silent as everyone stares at him..."Where are you from? You sound English", "I'm from across the Severn," replies the man nervously."What do you do, just across the Severn?", "I'm a taxidermist.""What on earth is one of those?", "I mount animals." "Its alright boys," shouts the barman he's one of us.

Spent £40 on eBay last week for a p*nis enlarger. Just opened it, and some bastard's sent me a magnifying glass!

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid... then I was petrified!

Paddy says, "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador.""F*ck that", says Mick,” have you seen how many of their owners go blind!"

Doctors have just identified a food that can cause heartache and misery for years after it's been eaten... It's called a wedding cake!

I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl. I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection... but she did!

* Last updated by: Brenny on 5/23/2011 @ 6:54 AM *

80% he he