A bitch will screw every guy in town, but me.

ouch,,,lol

Copper Wire

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Brits, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British".

One week later, Canadian Dept of Mines and Resources in Northern Canada reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in Northern Canada in the Ontario region of Thunder Bay Jack Lucknow, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely f##k all. Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Canada had already gone wireless."

Just makes you bloody proud to be Canadian, don't it!

Little lucy wants to take Lulu her pet dog for a walk.

“Mommy , Mommy, Can I please take Lulu for a walk?”

“But she is on heat my darling”

“What does that mean?”

“I think you should go and ask your father, he is in the garage”

Little Lucy goes to her father.

“Daddy , Daddy, Can I please take lulu for a walk?” “I asked mommy ,but she said Lulu is on heat, I asked her what does that mean and she said I must come ask you.”

The father takes the dog and covers the dog in petrol

“Ok my dear you can take her for a walk, but make sure to keep her on the leash and only go around the block once”

The little girl now excited runs of with the dog

The little girl shortly returns with no dog

The father asks “Where is Lulu!?”

The little girl replies ” Oh don’t worry, half way around the block Lulu ran out of petrol so another dog is pushing her home!”

After British Airways flight BA293 reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:

“Ladies and gentlemen, this is John Stirk – your captain for today. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from New York JFK to Manchester . The weather ahead is good, and we have a following jet-stream, so we should have a smooth, uneventful flight, arriving 30 minutes before our scheduled landing time. So sit back, relax and ………… OH, SH#T!”

Absolute petrified silence followed from all the 225 passengers!

A few seconds later, the captain came back on the intercom:

“Ladies and gentlemen, I’m sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my trousers!”

One relieved passenger broke the silence, and shouted back:

“You should see the back of mine mate!”

13 Beer Warnings we’d Like to see
13. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think
you are whispering when you are not.

12. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in
dancing like an asshole.

11. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell
the same boring story over and over again until your friends want
to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

10. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay
shings like thish.

9. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you
to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to
telephone them at 4 in the morning.

8. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you
wondering what the hell happened to your pants.

7. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over
in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or
name you can’t remember).

6. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of
inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

5. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that
you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big
guy named Bubba.

4. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you
are invisible.

3. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people
are laughing WITH you.

2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the
time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of
time may seem to literally disappear.”

1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy

Hot Sportbiker!

* Last updated by: Edgecrusher on 7/25/2011 @ 11:07 AM *

http://www.wimp.com/airswimmers/

That,s A great toy there hub

The Defective Parrot

A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.

It doesn't have any feet or legs.

The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot.?'

The parrot says, 'I was born this way.

I'm a defective parrot.'

'Holy crap,' the guy replies.

'You actually understood and answered me. !'

'I got every word,' says the parrot.

'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird'

'Oh yeah?' the guy asks.

'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet.?'

'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook.

You can't see it, because of my feathers.'

'Wow,' says the guy.

'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you.?'

'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy.

I'm especially good at ornithology.

You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag.

'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'

'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet.

You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer.!'

The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by.

The parrot is sensational.

He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.

The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing.

'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the UPS man.'

'What are you talking about,?' asks the guy.

'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.'

'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously.

'THEN what happened?'

'Well, then the UPS man came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.

'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him.?'

'Yes.

Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.'

Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?'

DUNNO?!? I got a hard-on, and fell off my perch.!'

If this doesn't make you laugh, you're having a really bad day.

wha-wha-whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

* Last updated by: Romans on 10/5/2011 @ 3:23 PM *

why can't witches have babies?

because their husbands have hollow weeners.

Rook can't tell my kids but funny just the same

Here is one I got today. Nasty, but I can see the humor

A little Muslim kid, crying, can’t find his mother in the supermarket.
The store attendant says ‘What does your mother look like?’
The kid says “I have no f+cking idea.”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZrK4llAu2T0

Socially Unacceptable Humor

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the
biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling
my leg."

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume
she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my
girlfriend yet.

Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going
fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt! Do you think I should
change dentists?

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking
behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get
reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she
would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not
listening".

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the
worst. So, I have been to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes
back.

At the Senior Citizens Center they had a contest the other day. I lost
by one point: The question was: Where do women mostly have curly hair?
Apparently the correct answer was Africa!!!

One of the other questions that I missed was to name one thing commonly
found in cells. It appears that Mexicans is not the correct answer
either.

There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in our shopping center, but
I've been banned from it after asking to look at some of the new bomber
jackets.

You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive
slowly past schools.

A buddy of mine has just told me he's getting it on with his girlfriend
and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her
brother's got a mustache."

Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on
Facebook. I said, "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!" Next thing
I know 4,000 dumbass Muslims have added me as a friend!!

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I
said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in
my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular
people-porn, you sick bastard.

The Red Cross have just knocked at our door and asked if we could help
towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we would love to, but our
garden hose only reaches the driveway.

He He He Ha Ha Ha AW He Ha HE HAR

Ok, Blonde, XXX

A Muslim dies and by some error in handling ends up in heaven.


He`s stopped at the Pearly Gates by St-Peter who says: "sorry, but we don`t allow Muslims into Heaven.

What? replies the Muslim, and why Not?
Well, we just don`t !!

The Muslim complains and carries on until St-Peter gets fed up.

Well, says St-Peter--have you ever done anything good in your life?

Ummm--the Muslim replies. Yes, the other day a lady stopped me on the street
collecting for a children`s charity so I gave her ten pounds. Last week I
donated ten pounds to the Cancer Society and a couple of weeks ago a tramp
asked me if I could spare any money so I gave him ten pounds too!

Alrighty then says St-Peter--wait here and I'll have a quick word with God.

Five minutes later St-Peter returns and says to the Muslim.

Listen, I`ve spoken with God and he agrees with me---

Here`s your 30 quid back, now fuck off!!!

At a U2 concert in Ireland , Bono, the lead singer, asks the audience for some quiet, and then he slowly starts to clap his hands.

Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone, "I want you to think about something.
Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

A Newfie in the front yells out, in the silence: "Then stop clappin' ya fuckin' asshole"!

Ha HA Ha thats Karma

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the engine of a Harley Davidson
motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop..
The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?"
The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked,
"So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in,
and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary
and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic...
"Try doing it with the engine running."

----------------------------------------------------------
I was standing at a bar in Hong Kong and this little Chinese guy comes in
and stands next to me

I said to him, “Do you know any of those martial art things, like Kung-Fu,
Karate or Ju-Jitsu?”
He says “No, why the fluck you ask me dat, is it coz I Chinee”?

“No”, I say, "It’s because you’re drinking my beer you slant eyed little c*nt"
________________________________

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth.
A cop on the beat sees him and approaches, "Can I help you Sir?"

"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr", the man replies.
The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"

"It wasss on the end of thisshh key", the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's wiener hanging out of his fly for all
the world to see.He asks the man, "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat he
blurts out....

"Holy shit! My girlfriend's gone, too!!